The Eternal Edge

Well hello after a long time! I have good news and bad news. Good news is that I might be lucky to get a scholarship to study art history (Ph. D) at St Andrews University. The bad news is the path I and my boyfriend took to change our lives and follow our dreams separated somehow!

Before you keep reading this post I’d better warn you about the bad mood! And I hope you accept my apology …

I was not supposed to write or nag about everyday life here. But I can’t help it now as the “everyday-life” seems to be a big problem. I don’t want to make my site like those writing about political and social events in Iran and shout out how hard it’s to have a good life here as a common regular person. I don’t want to look miserable and I don’t beg for mercy. I just want to show you that I am someone like you with a difference that is not up to me_”the situation”!

The economic situation is going downer and downer. Every step we take seems to be another mistake and doesn’t solve the problem. We try our bests to immigrate beside all the difficulties _we know we should defeat racism ( I don’t know what you think about it but we are not seen by western people as before, though we the people do not change and are not responsible for it), high expenses, built up a new life from the zero level, learning our second and third languages in age of 30’s so fast not to lose time, loneliness, risk of finding a job, studying and so on _ and we went for them all. After just two months learning German and contacting different universities, getting freaked out about a big risk and probability of ruining your life or giving up the last survival chance, reviving yourself to keep up, working and studying and trying to focus on the light at the end of the dark tunnel … “BANG”! You wake up in the morning and see all your expenses have doubled! The currency value of the country collapses! Each euro costs twice than the price last week! Your boyfriend who hardly learns German freaks out and fails the final exam and it comes out that the institute does not enroll failed students! I, on the other hand, am waiting to hear from St Andrews University about my application. I was lucky enough to find a supervisor for my project which is a further study for my master thesis. But what if I do get the scholarship?!?

Here I am! Walking on the edge, keeping the last strength just to survive, and survival is always the wrong solution…

This edge of life here seems eternal. As long as I can remember I was struggling to make my dreams come true (even as a rescue plan). I risked for it, paid my dues, “had my share of sand kicked in my face” and never gave up. I went for things that fewer girls and women would in my age and my country. Maybe I’m a fool! Maybe I should’ve given up and lived a regular boring life and let dreams be dreams. Maybe I shouldn’t have cared about my abilities and what I was good at! If so… what are all those motivating words in big books? Why do they talk about trying and not giving up so much? I have done all you can imagine. I can be assumed a warrior indeed but my life has rarely changed! Believe me, it’s heartbreaking to pay so much and get so few. Life is hard but it shouldn’t be impossible to change it! It seems they want to tell us “no matter how hard you try, this is the way that it is, you will be swimming in *** forever”. Time goes by and I hope I don’t look back someday and see all the paths I took were wrong! There seems no way out of this.

Featuring Image: Mixed on paper /2017


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